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i stayed home from work today. i just can't deal.

i'm tired and scared.

i'm also off my thyroid meds again which just makes me crazydepressed and without logic. i'm even more emotional and sensitive to others and it's a constant fight inside myself to stop feeling/acting on it.

it seems like an endless hamster wheel i'm on.

it's difficult not to assume the worst right now considering that i've had the same result each time there's been a discrepancy in the results of my scans and the bloodwork. cancer.

of course i don't know this yet but i find it hard to think it's different this time.

i can't tell my mom about it either. she's pretty stressed dealing with her husband's illness and it would only break her to know i might be sick again/still.

my doctor has always told me that i've been through a lot with this and i tell her no, it's really nothing. but she insists it's true.

today, i agree with her. i admit that despite not hurting in my body with it, i hurt in my mind. there is nothing i can do to stop this from happening and i feel helpless and weak as i'm a control freak. i've tried really hard to go with the flow on this and so far i've been pretty successful but i think i've reached my breaking point.

You know what I really want right now? a good, decent man to wrap his arms around me and say, "Karen, honey, I love you and you're going to be ok." and that's the truth.

but there is no man in my life so i have to do this for myself.

it can really suck to be without the thing you want the most.

it's late night/very early morning.

the toilet is running and won't stop.

i don't know how to fix it.

i can't sleep.

i've been listening to This American Life all day today. The podcasts are free and available on the website. They're worth checking out. The link is on the sidebar up at the top.

There you will also see a link to the Surviving Infidelity forums. It's for the spouses of cheaters and also the cheaters themselves. I'm not in a relationship myself but it's just fascinating to read these forums. Heartbreaking, infuriating, gutwrenching. The forums for the wayward spouses are particularly eye opening. I was comforted to know that there are others out there who believe that online cheating is still cheating regardless of whether you have physical contact or not. I'm disheartened by how many people don't think so.

I particularly like the wayward spouse forums because it made me realize that it is possible for the cheating partner to feel remorse and want to stay and mend the marriage. Not always, but sometimes.

If you're in the position of having infidelity affect you, whether you're the Betrayed Spouse or the Wayward Spouse, I would urge you to visit these forums for help.

The best line I read on there so far ... (it was in reference to cutting off contact with the affair person)

"You're uncomfortable, not unable." which i found to be a perfect reminder for this weight loss thing as well.

eta: i see i already mentioned this yesterday. i guess i really did like it. :)

i have failed. miserably.

i didn't want anyone to see my failure and so i closed my blog.

people always discourage me from doing this as i make these decisions in haste and when i'm not feeling my emotional or physical best.

so here i go opening it up again.

still no comments, though. i like it better this way.

it's crazy how fast my body can gain weight.

i've gained 9.4 lbs since thursday!

I read this on an infidelity forum:
"You are uncomfortable, not unable."
The person was talking about breaking off contact with the affair person.
This is such a fantastic piece of wisdom that can apply to weight loss, too, I thought.

the food today was once again a string of bad choices.
lindt chocolate squares

mcd's double quarter pounder with cheese, large fries, large coke zero, creme brulee mcflurry

large bowl of shredded wheat & bran, almond milk, brown sugar

the *food*: i went nuts.

mcd's big mac + medium fries + medium coke zero + 2 smores pies (yucky) + creme brulee mcflurry

12" ham sub from subway with cheese and chipotle sauce

1/2 of a 285 g bag of cheetos

2 100 g Lindt chocolate bars

1 L chocolate milk

I finally started my period ... I'm so happy!

"As long as women don't have any standards, men don't need to strive to be better men."

I really went overboard with the eating tonight after work (this being early sat morning but i'm talking about friday night)

We were sent home early.

I did the McD's thing ... double quarter pounder with cheese combo ... coke zero to drink. 2 pies and 2 creme brulee mcflurries.

i closed my blog tonight to the public. i don't feel like failing in front of everyone.

i don't feel like participating in blogland right now. i just don't care.

i'm tired of trying to lose weight right now.

i'm tired of dealing with cancer ... even my "good" cancer.

it's wearing me down.

You're not seeing things. I ate my stress last night after work.

It'll be gone in a couple of days.

Today is a day off from the treadmill. I need a break for my body and for my exhausted brain. I don't want to think about weight loss or working out or food today. I just want to *be*.

I'll be going to Toronto on the 16th for my PET scan and decided that on my way home, I'm going to stop in Kitchener and treat myself to the Stuart McLean Christmas concert if I can get there in time. I would describe him as the Canadian Garrison Keillor if I had to compare him to anyone. So it'll be a great day combining something I have to do with something I want to do.

I needed to see some cuteness today ...

4 weeks to go to reach my goal. Today I feel very confident that I'll make it.
I'm down 4.2 lbs since last week.

I found out today that I have to go off my meds again, beginning today, until the 16th when I go for my PET scan. I hope to counteract any slowing down of my metabolism with lots of treadmilling and eating a healthy diet.

The Grindstone ~~ 75 min. @ 3.4 mph

I'm very tired today so it was a bit of a struggle to do anything. I did it anyway.

The Food:

1st meal ~~ 1 can sardines + 3 Wasa + strawberries

2nd meal ~~ 10 jumbo shrimp + asparagus + 1 pat butter + strawberries

3rd meal ~~ 2 Wasa + 1 small can salmon + 2 light laughing cows

4th meal ~~ 2 Wasa + 100 calorie pack of hummus + 2 slices fat free turkey

Snacks ~~ apple + pear

lots of water

coffee with almond milk

I'm giddy.

My friend surprised me with this year's limited edition Tim's mug yesterday so I bought myself a Tim's to christen it.

She totally surprised me with this gift and really made my day. I love it and even more, I love the thought behind the gift. (She knew I wanted to buy one this year)

The Grindstone ~~ I did 90 min. @ 3.4 mph

I had to get off at 30 min. to pee and instead of pausing the treadmill, I mistakenly stopped it so that's why it's only registering 60 min.

we were sent home early from work tonight so I used the time to put my nose to the Grindstone ~~ 60 min. @ 3.4 mph

The Food:

1st meal ~~ 4 Wasa + 100 calorie pack of hummus + 2 light laughing cows + banana

2nd meal ~~ chicken breast + broccoli + butternut squash + 1 pat butter

3rd meal ~~ 2 Wasa + 2 light laughing cows + fat free turkey breast

Snacks ~~ apple + pear + 2 hard boiled eggs

After work ~~ small chicken breast + 2 Wasa + all natural peanut butter + 1/2 banana

lots of water

coffees with almond milk